Am I Bulimic?

@RainyRayanne: Good to see you again! I'm so glad you've been in treatment and that it has helped you so much. I know it's a long, long road, but you're doing what you need to do to give yourself a future.

It might be helpful to other posters if you shared what led you into treatment and who you talked to, etc. Obviously, with any addictive behavior, shame is such a huge part of it, so people want to keep it a secret. What made you tell, and who did you tell?

People on this forum have seemed so lost about who they needed to talk to in order to get some help. I'm sure the words from someone looking at this from the other side would be greatly appreciated. Glad you came back to report on your progress!

I have posted on here before, you can scroll up and see it. My name is Rayanne, you say it like Rain.

I am now eighteen years old, and a senior in high school. I spent almost a year in residential treatment centers due to my eating disorders, self harm, substance abuse and mood problems. It took a long time for me to want to want to get better, and even longer for me to want to get better, but in the end, it was just making that simple choice of, "I don't want to do this anymore. This. Is. Not. Normal."

I'm *not* saying it's easy, because I have to daily battle my ED thoughts and urges, but I'd just like to let everyone know it is possible. Don't ever give up, lovelies.

As I type this, I am eating a large order of fries smothered in ketchup, and a big Dr. Pepper. I feel no guilt. I feel pride. If anyone wants to talk, I'm here.

Keep in touch.

It makes me sad to think that all of you are doing this to yourselves because it brings back painful memories of when I threw up my food up to eight times a day. I stopped because I started going out with this guy and he told me that I was perfect and that he didn't want me to change. that was five weeks ago. I am recovering.

I'm 31. I've been bulimic for about 12 years now. I've been dedicated to recovery, but the hardest part is getting my digestive tract to work properly again. Does anyone know how quickly the body heals from all the years of damage done? I throw up about once a day on most days. I just want to heal.

@Anon9386: Go seek professional help. You can and will overcome but you need guidance and support from someone who knows how to treat this disorder.

I'm scared. I'm 15 and I have been making myself throw up for the last two weeks. I researched bulimia and I know it's unhealthy but lately it's gotten so bad that looking at myself in the mirror drives me over the edge and I burst into tears.

I know I should stop now while I've just begun but I've already lost 2kg and I'm losing more but I feel like I don't control myself anymore; I just need to do it.

Only one of my friends knows and she'll never tell but I don't even understand how I got so deep so fast.

I'm only 11 and I'm scared. Honestly, I'll tell you my weight. I'm 140 pounds, and I'm scared.

I want to feel skinny and be perfect but I'm not. But I don't look fat. I look sort of skinny but I'm 140 pounds, and that doesn't change anything.

I've been trying to starve myself, drink water 24/7, vomit and I want to be skinny but not in that way to make me skinny.

@anon253753: I've posted below, but felt I needed to answer you. The truth is, if you're thinking about your weight or food every waking minute, then this *has* become a huge problem. It is consuming your life, and that's definitely a problem. No doubt about it.

The fact your periods have stopped means you are entering the early stages of starvation. Your body is not taking in enough nutrients to regulate your hormone levels, so you just stop having periods. Yes, it can definitely cause infertility -- assuming you live long enough to consider having children.

Yes, I am absolutely trying to scare the crap out of you. I know you think you're in control, but the bulimia controls you. It has taken over your every thought and action. That's addiction.

You can call 1-800-233-4357. toll free. It's the Anorexia and Bulimia Crisis Hotline. These people have been through what you're going through and they can help you. There is no shame in asking for help -- only hope and life. Please call these folks, or have a heart to heart talk with your mom or another trusted adult. I can't stress enough how much you need to enlist someone else in helping you fight this entirely destructive behavior. You will *never* lose enough weight to silence the monster saying you're fat and need to lose more weight. That's the hidden nature of every addiction. Please, get some help. I'll be praying for you.

I am 15 years old, and I started throwing up occasionally when I was 14. I would eat a lot and just go throw it up but it never got bad because my gag reflexes were awful and it took a lot of effort to throw up, but since I started tenth grade in high school and have been throwing up pretty much every day, I can throw up without using my fingers.

I was so happy at first, but now that it's so easy and quiet I can't stop. I know I'm skinny. I'm 5'9 with an athletic build and weigh 126 pounds, but at the same time I just feel huge. I am always trying to lose weight. I don't really see it as a huge problem in my life, but I can't stand the fact that there's not a minute that goes by where I don't think of my weight or food.

I have such an intense fear of gaining weight that gaining two pounds sets me off into this horrible mood swing and I just have these anxiety attacks, and then I eat less or go running. I hate it, I just want to be skinnier, and then maybe I won't constantly have to think about my weight, or throw up my dinner or lunch because I thought I ate too much.

I also rarely ever get my period. I don't remember the last time I got it. I'm scared later in life this could be a problem with infertility? Is that possible?

I'm going to be a psychologist and I will graduate in a couple of months. I have had problems too, all of my life, always trying to be the best. Even though I'm a doctor, I suffer every day as well. No one's perfect.

I know it's hard. It really is. But whenever we feel down, we must pick ourselves up and defeat the negativity in life. Each person is strong enough to do this. The key is trusting yourselves that you can and will do it. I trust each one of you; try to trust yourselves. I know you guys can do it. Remember, to try to reach or aim for a goal you must fall before you pick yourself up!

I'm 14 almost 15. I have made myself purge for about two years now.I don't consider myself 'bulimic' because I'm not skinny (I know stupid, but it's how my mind works).

All my friends are skinny. Every. Single. One.

Three of my best friends know that I purge. One of the three told me to stop. I've been wanting to tell my mom, but she has cancer and we've been getting behind in medical bills, so it would add stress to her and money to waste to get me help.

I've been called fat all my life. I lost a lot of weight when I hit puberty but the image of my chubby childhood is still burned in my mind.

I'm 5'7 and weigh 140 pounds. To me, that is obese. I cry myself to sleep knowing I will forever and always be fat.

I used to be both anorexic and bulimic. The thing that helped me get over it was this: Slowly developing guilt-free eating habits, and competitive exercise. I started confining myself to one meal a day, which was less than normal even. I felt good about it. I was doing better. The catch was to not throw it up. I kept this up for a month. The next month, I was allowed one meal and some snacks. But I had to exercise. No exercise, no snacks. Eventually, I joined a martial arts dojo where if I wasn't fit I couldn't win any fights (I'm female, by the way) and so I needed to be stronger which meant I needed to eat.

I started dieting (not to lose weight) but to get healthier. My diet was protein, carbs and fresh fruit and vegetables. I basically made rules more strict than ever before and slowly let myself break them until I stopped feeling guilty about breaking them.

The thing was, I never actually put weight on while breaking my rules. In fact today, I have discovered eating and weight have very little to do with each other. Sure, if you starve you will eventually lose weight, but starving slows down weight loss. Its all in your head: believe you're losing weight and you will. That's it. I have lost 19kg just through the power of that belief.

I'm 19 years old. A year ago, I started starving myself. I'm obviously anorexic because no matter what I do, I'm never satisfied with my weight and the number on the scale.

Last year when I started, I was 138 pounds and that's my highest weight and I'm now 107/108. I know that anorexia is mostly a mental thing but sometimes I feel like I'm not skinny enough for people to realize that I'm anorexic even though people tell me I'm skinny.

I'm 5'1" and 107 pounds. Does anyone think that's skinny or is that just normal size? I want to be skinny but I want to know what everyone considers skinny and normal so I know when I'm considered skinny. I know it's stupid but whatever. I wish I didn't care but I do.

I'm 27 years old. I am a mother of an 8 year old boy and I am currently a junior in college. I started throwing up any food I ate about a year ago. I used to be about 215 pounds when I was about 20. I lost all of the weight by doing exercises and changing my diet. I got down to about 145 pounds, but I still felt fat.

One day I bought a scale, and started throwing up my food to see how much more weight I could lose. I'm now at 129. I only eat regular meals, so I don't binge, but even with eating small meals, I still feel guilty about eating anything at all. I've started drinking large amounts of beer after meals just to fill my stomach enough to be able to throw it all back up. I can't talk to anyone about it because there is a stigma in the African American community about mental health (I'm black).

I know that the purging is just the tip of the iceberg of my problems, but I don't know what to do. I'm honestly not one of those people who would even ask for help with anything, but I'm scared. I'm so depressed all of the time and now it's starting to seem that nothing matters anymore.

It's becoming too much. I grew up in a very Christian family, so I've been praying, but nothing is happening and I'm getting worse and I'm afraid of where I'm headed.

I wish I were bulimic. My legs are so fat. I can see my ribs but my legs are plump thanks to my mother. I've tried diets ever since I was in fifth grade. I've hated my legs for long as I can remember. I've been to a counselor, but it didn't work.

Exercises just make my legs look weird because the muscles tighten exactly where I don't want them to be. I'm constantly under stress and now I can't even study. I can't puke and I hate myself for it. I wish I never had to eat food. I wish I didn't have these legs. I just want them cut off.

@Post no. 121, anon221248: Eating disorders, drug addition, etc., are all like a huge Scattergories die. The face turned up is what you call it, but they're all part of the same thing.

I am a recovering compulsive overeater. It's the opposite of what you're dealing with in some ways, but it is actually the same condition -- you just see a different face. In any kind of condition like this, one of the chief elements is shame. You're ashamed to let anyone know you're taking a whole package of laxatives a day. I was ashamed to let anyone know I ate a whole pizza in a sitting. So I understand the shame factor very well.

I understand how difficult it is to tell someone, but I posted in an earlier post, "We are only as sick as our secrets." Telling your parents helps you regain some power over this.

When I started attending Overeaters Anonymous, I couldn't imagine *not* binge eating. Food had been my drug of choice for a long time and I couldn't imagine not having it around. Not eating is your drug of choice, and you can't imagine putting food into your body. Do you see the similarities, in spite of the apparent opposites? When you start down the recovery road, there are many things you can't get your brain around in the beginning, but as you go along, they start making more sense.

With everything I have, I urge you to talk to your mom or another adult you trust. An aunt, grandmother, friend's mother, the school nurse --someone whom you know has *your* best interests at heart. You think now that no one sees, except that you've lost weight. I can almost guarantee your parents have noticed and are terribly worried, but they keep hoping you'll tell them what's wrong, because they're afraid you'll get defensive if they approach you about it.

Before I started typing this post, I prayed for the wisdom to say to you what would help you most. Every word, and I mean *every* word of this post is a prayer for you, sweetie.

Choose to live, because the road you are on is certain death. No question, no ambiguity, no masking it. It is death. Choose to live, please. Choose to live. Tell someone. Get the help you need to fight this. You want help or you wouldn't have reached out to so many places.

Because I do what I do, I picked up that you might be in Australia. If you are, here's a number to call that is for the entire country: (02) 9515-5843. It's an eating disorders center.

If you're in the U.K., there are eating disorder hotlines you can call with people who are ready to talk to you anytime.

Make the decision to live. I'll be praying for you. God bless you.

I'm a 17 year old female, and have been dieting for over two years now. In the last two months I have had a dramatic drop of 10 kilos. I've been addicted to laxatives for the past year, and am now going through a whole packet a day.

I feel guilty after I put something in my mouth, so I basically just don't eat. I haven't eaten actual "food" in about a month. I live off liquids and am suffering the consequences, with broken nails and hair that won't stop falling out. I have no energy for anything, so I basically isolate myself from everybody.

I weight 58 kgs and am underweight for my height, but I am just not happy!

I know very well that I won't be satisfied even if I dropped to 40 kgs! It's become a big problem in my life. I can't sleep anymore. I cannot speak to anybody about it. My parents don't know about this. I take the laxatives secretly. I have tried to speak to my school counselor but I realized she was more worried about my input into the school's VCE results, so I stopped seeing her.

I don't know what to do. I am very worried. I desperately need help, and there's nobody I can talk to. I know I can't go on like this forever but I also know that if I am offered help, it will involve ''having to eat''. The idea of having any sort of food in my system kills me. This is why I avoid going to places, as I know the people around me will force me to eat.

I am being called names like skeleton, and bag of bones, which is because every bone in my body is visible and pokes out of my clothes, but I still consider myself overweight. I have tried posting my problems to other sites, but they did not publish it, so I haven't had anybody to talk to or solve my problems with. I need help. Please help me, somebody.

Okay, I'm 15 and I've been doing this "thing" for almost a year. I do it a lot and a lot, then I try to forget about it and stop it, but it always comes back to haunt me.

The feeling of food inside me kills me. The thought of gaining weight kills me. I used to weigh 190. I used to cry because I wanted to be like my skinny friends, so I started to work out, and tried to eat healthier but then I realized I was starting to get addicted to websites with eating disorders and taking quizzes. I secretly wanted an eating disorder

Slowly, I started to stop eating foods. I started to starve myself. I lost 20 pounds. Then I found myself panicky over foods. I would go crazy when I put food near my mouth, and when I ate, I felt so fat and guilty and then that's when I started to throw up. I was doing great, hiding that I was throwing up. That got me down to 156.

I'm still not happy with the way I look, and I'm still going to keep doing it until I'm 120 pounds. But I have to hide it more cause my sister knows, and my dad, and now they talk to me and take away everything I have to do so. So I secretly do it when they are gone. The thing is, I don't want to stop, but then I do.

I'm not sure why I am this way. I'm so ashamed. I'm ashamed of how stupid I am. I feel like I will never be happy until I'm 120. I'm 5"6 and 156 pounds. I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

@anon215878: I've said it before on here: if you feel you can't talk to your mom, is there another trusted adult you could confide in? You need to tell someone. It may be that you're having a bad reaction to the Zoloft or another medication, and it's intensifying, rather than relieving, your symptoms of depression.

Try not to be afraid to seek help. Your mom loves you and wants you to be healthy and happy, but she can't help you unless you tell her. There's an old saying in 12-step groups that says, "We are only as sick as our secrets." This means that keeping these kinds of secrets is much, much worse than telling someone.

Here's an illustration. If you fell and cut your foot, for example, and you went home, you washed it off and put a bandage on it, but it got infected, what would you do? If you continued to let the infection sit under that bandage, eventually, the infection would get into your bloodstream or you might even get gangrene and lose your foot.

Do you limp around on the foot, even though it hurts, and not tell anyone, or do you go ahead and tell your mom, so you can get the foot treated? Keeping the infection secret could kill you. So could keeping this a secret. I hope this makes some sense. "We're only as sick as our secrets" means that when we keep these kinds of secrets, it can often do far more harm than good.

If you live in the U.S., you can call the National Crisis Line for Anorexia and Bulimia at 1-800-233-4357. This is a toll-free call and people there can help you. If you live in Canada or the UK, hotlines are also available, if you'll just run a search.

Please, don't be afraid to get some help. If you reach out, the worst is over. Once you get it out in the open, it no longer has nearly as much power over you.

Good luck and you are in my prayers.

I'm only 13 and I'm bulimic. I have been making myself throw up for the past month and I don't like it. Everything I eat, I have to eat many other things. I noticed this when I got put on my zoloft medicine for my depression and adhd and I'm scared. I was 103 pounds when I got put on it and then I started losing weight. I don't know what to do.

My mom doesn't know and only three of my friends know. they started making fun, saying I was so skinny for my height (5')and I got curious and so I figured something was wrong with me. I did some research and found out that my symptoms lead to bulimia. I was hopeless and needed to find out. Now I'm still 13 and I weigh 84 pounds. Please help me, and whatever you do, don't be like me. I'm begging, you can control it. I want help but am too scared to ask for it. What should I do?

I'm 23 and have been throwing up literally everything I've eaten for a year now. I went from 175 pounds to less than 120 in a year. I'm 5'6'' and went from a size 13 to a size 3. And it's to the point that I cannot hold even a pickle in my stomach. But I'm afraid to gain weight.

I am 28 years old and have had bulimia for 10 years. I think it began when my friend introduced it to me as a way to lose weight. I didn't think anything of it at first. Then I saw how much attention she got, so I tried it for a few weeks. I wasn't overweight- very athletic and built, 5'8 and about 150 pounds. Before I knew it, it was an addiction. I would only eat normal meals, but threw them up, I would exercise for hours a day, I would wear layers of clothes to bed and wake up in hot sweats. I got down to 128 pounds -- my lowest. Over the years, the exercise has dropped, although I go to the gym regularly (one hour a few days a week). I sleep fine, but the food went from eating normally and purging to now binging and purging three times-plus a day.

I am about 145 pounds, now, and know it is so terrible to have this disorder. I am also a recovering alcoholic. I have such an addictive personality I think it's crazy sometimes.

I stopped drinking with the help of AA. I am working on EA. I am really trying to stop the binges. I know people say "we" have a distorted body image, but I just can't seem to stop. It's not about my weight now. It's like my mind takes over and just eats, eats, eats, like I am another whole person in my body or something.

I have been bulimia free for four days now. Suddenly I just stopped on Saturday, not even thinking about it. So I figured I would try for Sunday and then Monday etc. I am eating about 1200-1500 calories so far each day and haven't really gained any weight, although I don't weigh myself every day.

But here is the question: I have been moody as hell

the last two days. Is this from serotonin and all the stuff that comes with the purging (the chemicals released) missing?

I can continue to battle the purging one day at a time, but is there anything I can take (supplement or vitamin or certain foods to eat)- that can level out my mood/agitation/irritability? Please help if you have any advice. Thank you for all posts I have read on here. I am praying for each of you! --Kristy

I'm 16 years old and I'm bulimic. I've never had a normal life, always moved around, so I constantly had to make new friends. In sixth grade I began to notice my weight problem. I was the only fat kid in my grade and I felt really bad about myself. I was often made fun of and bullied by other kids. I didn't have many friends. For the next two years my mom tried helping me go on diets, but it just didn't help. My eighth grade year I weighed 175 pounds and I was very unhappy.

I found out I had a colon problem and the doctor ordered me to take a laxative every few days. I began to steal them from the cabinet and I would take four or five pills a day without eating. When I realized I was losing weight, I began to do it constantly and excessively, frequently. That summer I lost 20 pounds. I felt so good. But so weak. I ended up in the hospital because I couldn't even get off my bed. My doctor told my mom what I had been doing. She was so disappointed in me, and didn't even try to help me.

I began to stop the pills because I was finally at a happy weight. But my freshman year summer I was raped by my boyfriend. I instantly went back to worrying about my weight, but now I was severely depressed. I resulted to drugs such as adderall since it makes you not hungry. I just started my junior year and I'm stealing laxatives and starving myself. My mom knows, but it seems I'm not on her top of her priority list. I hope to eventually get healthy and stop this crap.

My name is aida, I'm 19 and my weight is 79 kg. and I've been considered as obese.

At first, throwing up food sounded scary to me, but silently from the age of 15 I've started enjoying the emptiness in me when I throw up after every meal I felt guilty about.

I can't stop myself from having bars of chocolates and cheeses. Sometimes I eat lots of them and throw up everything I can until I can't stand my chest pain. O tried to stop once but I gained lots of weight then. I'm in university and a few weeks ago my mom told me to not gain any more weight. I'm very disappointed to hear that. Because of that I've been away from home as long as I can, because I felt like I'm the ugly girl in the family. I've never been not fat, and mom has never wanted to have a fat daughter like me. She told me that like millions of times since I was a kid. Being obese has killed my self esteem for like years,and that is why I hate looking in the mirror. I can only see a monster in it. The last option I see is purge as often as I eat.

@anon203945: You barely qualify as "overweight" -- if at all. Self-hatred is something I'm familiar with, but please don't get into it. It is *so* destructive.

I love Indian food, so I can really understand where you're coming from, as far as carbs are concerned. One thing is portion control. Don't try to eliminate lots of stuff from your diet: just eat less of it. Eat one serving of rice or bread, and fill up on protein and vegetables.

Try eating something like yogurt with a piece of fruit for breakfast. Eating more protein keeps you fuller, longer, without adding carbs.

If you're an emotional eater, try journaling about it. Write it down and give yourself positive feedback. When you want to eat, and you know you're not hungry, write about why you want to eat. Also, eat to the point of being satisfied, not full. That's been a big lesson for me to learn.

Take care of yourself. Believe it or not, being thin isn't the most important thing in the world, as much publicity as it gets. Be healthy, be happy. These things are the truly important things in life. Good luck.

I'm a 14 year old girl. I'm about 5 feet 4 inches, 130 pounds, and I hate the way I look. Until I was 12, I had the perfect figure, but then, our school cut down on sports to make more time for studies, and I got less exercise both in and outside school. I still do get in a half-hearted workout while I walk, run or just do freehand at home, but then I look at myself in the mirror every day, wanting to just hack off pieces of my body to make myself look better.

I feel so fat and ungainly all the time, but I can't bring myself to stick to a diet or a routine. It kills me when I see girls who are even slightly thinner than me. The pressure finally got to me, and I tried to throw up after two or three meals for a couple of days, but it never worked. I didn't know whether to be relieved that I wasn't turning bulimic, or furious at my body for being defective this way too. I feel horrible about myself whenever I swallow something that isn't water.

People say I'm athletic, and others (most of them) tell me to lose weight. I feel okay about how I look sometimes, and then it goes back to the self-hatred. I don't want to live like this, always feeling bad about how I look, always cursing myself when I eat, always arguing with my parents, always wishing everyone wasn't so judgmental. I live in India, so it's impossible to cut down on carbs- the staples in my diet are rice and some form of bread. I have no confidence about the way I am. I used to pride myself on not giving a crap about what others thought of me, but I can't take this anymore. It's messing with my head.

Oh, dear friends. I have read several of these comments and literally have tears in my eyes. This is heartbreaking what you are doing to yourselves. How you are killing your hearts, and bodies, slowly. Oh, don't you know you're beautiful?

And don't you know Someone loves you more than anything? His name is Jesus, the One who gave you life and who's heart is breaking to see you do this to yourself. Run to Him, friends, and He will make you stronger than this bulimia. Stronger than the definition "fat." Stronger than a food addiction, or a food fear. Because you are His beautiful creation, and He weeps to see you suffer. Won't you come to Him? What can you lose?

I am a student in my second year at university, studying languages. I have a history of an eating disorder- I was discharged from counseling from an EDA unit in 2007.

I was always underweight for my age and height because I was a premature baby. When I had an eating disorder, I wasn't dangerously thin but I needed to put on weight, as I hadn't had a menstrual cycle for a year. Eventually I did, but it wasn't easy.

At the height of my illness, I would hide food and exercise secretly in my room to burn calories. In my first term of my first year at uni, I started to over- exercise - I lost a stone in a matter of weeks- I looked like a skeleton again. I soon put weight back on.

Now, in my second year I still over exercise- two hours a day in the gym early in the morning. I think it's an addiction. Sometimes, when I don't have access to a gym or am not able to do some form of exercise, I feel guilty, then I feel sluggish and I feel "fat."

The problem is when I exercise I tend to over train, meaning that I am knackered for the rest of the day. At uni I only have one main meal: chicken or fish, vegetables, fruit, savoury biscuits. I do have frozen home cooked dishes, but I don't eat them. I just I lie and say I have eaten them.

Since before Christmas of last year, I have been making myself sick sometimes, when I eat a lot in one go, because I am so hungry. I don't eat straight after going to the gym. I feel guilty, so I make myself sick, then later, I might eat something else then again make myself sick. It does not happen every day.

At home, I eat three meals a day. I even sometimes eat ice cream or other calorific foods (though not without a feeling of guilt). I do have a fairly regular menstrual cycle. Sometimes it's quite heavy and also it comes early if I am stressed or if my weight fluctuates. I would like to know if I have shown signs of bulimia or exercise addiction?

I'm 28 and throughout my late teens i was borderline anorexic. i went from 16 stone to 10 in a matter of months, but didn't realize what i was doing at the time until i started fainting. When i was about 24 i started piling the weight back on I'm now 12 and 1/2 stone. I've tried dieting and going to the gym but nothing is working and i have started making myself vomit.

I'm desperate to lose that two stone again and regain my confidence. i just don't know what to do. I'm afraid of my housemates figuring me out like they did before. What should i do?

i am a 43 year old businessman and i have been vomiting several times a day for 20 years. i don't know why i binge and purge,i have everything to live for.

i am overweight and i was bullied at school, so maybe it spawns from that. I've never sought help because i was always told to get on with it and don't be so silly. i am a successful failure -- that's what i feel, anyway. am i the only one.

I'm 16 and I have struggled with body image ever since I can remember. I don't know If I'm bulimic or not. I only eat breakfast and a light dinner during the week and on weekends I eat whatever I want but I still limit myself. I don't make myself puke though. I often want to puke but I don't. I feel I will soon if I don't stop.

But something inside of me doesn't want it to stop because it's becoming the closest thing I have. Controlling my eating. I don't know what to do. And I'm having irregular periods. I just need advice. Thank you.

@anon176079: Your parents wouldn't be ashamed of you, hon. I suspect they would, instead, be concerned and wanting to get you some help. I think you're ashamed of being bulimic and so you think everyone else would be ashamed of you, too. That's called projection, and it's normal.

If you really don't think you can tell your mom, then is there anyone else? A teacher, counselor, aunt, grandmother, cousin? Anyone? Someone you could tell, who could help you tell your mom?

The time to stop is now, before you start having really serious symptoms that would take a lot longer to resolve. Please tell your mom or another adult you trust, and get the help you need. I've said it here before: it's a bad way to die. Please do this for yourself.

I'm 15 years old and in my school i feel like I'm under constant pressure to be thin. When i look around all the girls are skinny and have a wonderful body shape and i want that too. i have two friends who are so super skinny but they can eat whatever they want without gaining any weight but with me, i have to watch myself. i don't have a high metabolism like they do.

i used to weigh 135 pounds and i thought that was really bad, but over the winter i somehow gained 15 pounds and weighed around 150 pounds. i started to work out and try to get back to 135 but i was still somehow gaining weight.

At first, bulimia wasn't even an option. It was something i couldn't do i had tried before but nothing would happen so i just wouldn't even try anymore. but one day after hanging out with my friends and pigging out i went home and made myself vomit until my stomach was empty. At first i didn't really think about it a lot. I told myself it was a one time thing and i could stop if wanted to. But the next day i did the same thing. And for the entire week too. i lost six pounds that week without even working out. but somehow i still told myself i didn't have a problem. I'm not bulimic, i can stop whenever i want to right? wrong. Even if i only eat a little i feel so bloated and disgusting that i make my trip to the bathroom.

Then one week, i couldn't throw up because my mom was getting suspicious and i gained all my weight back and then some more. i was totally devastated that i didn't eat for a day and threw up whenever my mom left the house even if i didn't eat anything recently.

I'm finally starting to realize that i may have a problem. I turn white and my heart starts beating really fast whenever someone mentions an eating disorder even if it's just casual conversation, my throat hurts all the time and i have scratches on the back of my hand. I'm still not back to 135 and i don't think i can stop doing this to myself until i am and maybe even after that too. i can't stop myself anymore; it's an urge i can't suppress. I've started to skip meals if it means i don't have to puke anymore. My parents would be so ashamed if they ever found out. i want help, i want to stop. but at the same time i don't.

I'm 16 years old and have been throwing up for about two years. Before that though, probably starting in 6th grade, I would skip meals or not eat a day or two, in an attempt to lose weight. I tried the "yo yo" diets and even though the weight would come back when i stopped, I knew how to get it off.

In 8th grade, I was a starter on the soccer team, and between starving myself and all the physical activity, I lost probably around 15 pounds. But at the end of that year, my brother was in a car accident and spent two months in the ICU. We didn't know if he was going to make it, and if he did, if he was going to be a vegetable. That was the summer that I started throwing up. I remember trying to throw up before but I couldn't figure out how to.

Then one day, after eating a large portion of lunch that my grandmother brought over, I went upstairs, shut the bathroom door, turned on the water, bent over, and bam. It was that easy, and such a release. I didn't and still to this day, don't have to use my fingers, I'm not sure if that's good news or bad?Anyway, fast forward a couple months to february of my freshman year. I'm getting my sports physical for soccer and I'm blown away, when i step on the scale and at 5'4 am 145 pounds. Since then, bulimia has been my life. It's all i can think about. I've isolated myself from my friends, and because others have found out, I've lost many friends too.

I started off doing it maybe once a day, but now, it's after every little thing I eat too. I probably have big binge episodes around three to eight times a day. Due to recently having my appendix removed, I now have gained a few pounds and have been told not to exercise for a month. Just two days after my surgery, I was throwing up again. Even with all the stitches and abdominal pain, i knew it was something i had to do.

Once i get back to what I was prior to my surgery, 110. 5 pounds, I still plan on losing a little more. I'm back to throwing up after I eat anything, and I plan on exercising asap. Although I know that this is a severe problem, and i could tell anyone else in the world why they shouldn't do it, i can't justify that explanation to myself. If I eat and stop throwing up, i gain weight. It's that simple. And that's something i just can't accept. Sometimes i convince myself that I don't have a problem because my bmi is healthy and there are so many other girls that are smaller than me. Is it really that big of a deal?

Oh, and I just noticed that i haven't had my period in a few months. Should i tell my doctor? And should i get my insides checked out to make sure I'm not all messed up inside?

I'm 14 years old and I've always been into sports and working out, but I'm never skinny like all of my friends, and they don't ever work out and can eat what they want.

I hate being the fat girl of the group; it kills me. I'm 5'7 and 155 pounds. I've been making myself through up for six months after i gained 20 pounds from being away from sports and working out because i was hospitalized and sick. And now i can't help it. Every time i eat, i want to go to the bathroom and trow everything up.

i feel depressed all the time and feel like no guy will ever like me because I'm so fat. no one notices that i puke almost every meal up, not even my family. i just can't stand the guilt of eating, without throwing up.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I've been overweight my whole life. I feel like its who I am. I'm 'the fat one'. I was 240 pounds at my heaviest. I felt disgusting. Massive. Like something to be stared at.

I'm tall and have a nice figure but I always felt like the least or less important or beautiful person because I was biggest. I've now lost 60 pounds but need to lose another 42. It's a long road. sometimes I fast and I tell myself it's to be closer to God, but it's not really. It's to get the buzz of going to my weekly slimming group and seeing that I have lost five pounds.

I overeat and overindulge, feeling sick but can't stop. Then fast for a few days. Sometimes I make myself sick. I once blocked the sink at a weekend away with friends. I was terrified someone was going to find out it was me.

I wake up and think about food. Every second of every day I think about food and my weight. I dread my period coming because it makes me weigh more. I am trying just to eat normally and healthily but this holiday weekend I just overdid it totally and can't seem to get the control back.

I don't want to hate myself anymore. But i want to be slim. slim, not fat. slim, not big. Not like me now. I just binged at work. I feel guilty and my mouth stings. But I feel glad I got the food out.

When I get home from work I'm going to do some exercise. This week I'm going yo exercise every day and limit my carbs and eat more veggies and proteins. I must lose three pounds by next week to feel in control of my life again, to feel like I'm achieving something.

Thanks for listening. I feel better getting this off my chest. Troubled But Hopeful Curvy Lady

I'm 18, and a college freshman. I never realized I had a problem. My dad used to touch me and call me fat when i was young. I guess the idea just copped a hold and never left me. I'm nearly six feet now but I weighed 200 pounds at one point. Then I took a year abroad where my host family didn't have much food and I lost 40 pounds. There's nothing worse than being addicted to food and then being completely without it.

I'm surprised no one here has mentioned the guilt that purging brings. Think of all the money spent on the food, the resources, the people who need it so badly. Well, I came back to the USA and was anorexic again. I couldn't get below 160 though after I gained some weight upon re-entry. I'd go four days max without food. Then maybe I'd have a luna bar for protein. I'm vegetarian. Now I'm in college. Everyone expects the best of me. I'm super liberal, yay women with curvy bodies! Yeah right. I'm such a fraud.

But after I saw my first blood in my puke I decided to tell my boyfriend. He deserves someone better. But I'm going to a counselor now. I'm such an idiot.

i am 18 years old, and I've had bulimia since i was 15 years old. when i was young i was always so thin but then i started gaining weight so i started putting my finger in my throat. in the beginning i lost 10 pounds in two weeks and it was awesome. i was working out and i still do it, and i have been doing it forever.

sometimes i get so sick and tired but i can't stop ever. i think i will always have it. it's in my mind every single day so I've accepted it. last year i lost 20 pounds and i felt great but i stopped for a bit, but now i do it, and i starve myself too, but i just can't stop.

i don't know what to do. no one can ever find out. i want help but i can't let anyone know, ever, so whatever this is, is who i am and I'm okay with it. may has helped me so much. that's all i can say.

I'm a 15 year old girl, and I'm 5'7 nearly 5'8 and i used to weigh 130 pounds then the holidays came and i gained 30 pounds and i now weigh 160. i barely fit in my size 7's and I'm now a 9, so i just decided to start making myself throw up.

I've only been doing this for a few days but i usually end up doing this every few months. but I'm scared I'm fat and i just stand in front of a mirror and point out all the areas I'm fat in, and its gross to me. do i have some sort of disorder? because when i was 13 i had a thyroid problem and it was high so i lost a lot of weight.

i know I've posted on here numerous times before. i just can't seem to stop trying.

i restarted the starving when some girl asked me if i was pregnant. im not. if i need to pee, like really bad, you can see it. my tummy gets big.

i felt so bad that i puked till i dry heaved. now my favorite puking finger has scratches all over it. my mom started to notice, so i told her that whenever i close my rabbits cage it scratches my finger. I've lost so much weight... i haven't gone to school for the past 3 weeks. i tell my mom it's the flu. i do my work at home...

i look scary, but at the same time, im still fat.

this is Rayanne, 16 years old. 5'2 3/4" 86lbs and counting.

I have been throwing up for about 2 years now...but i refer to myself as slightly bulimic. I only throw up when I eat a huge dinner (not for other meals) I can not throw up for a couple weeks, but then I go out for dinner, or go to a party etc. and the guilt sets in.

Recently, my mom discovered me throwing up. My mom struggled with bulimia until she became pregnant with my older sister, and she laid into me. I'm going to to see a therapist next month (because this month is super busy at university). I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't throw up until then, but I need to, the guilt is insane.

Without the control of bulimia I feel so depressed.

I count calories all the time, trying to consume only 1200-1400 a day. I don't eat dairy or wheat until dinner (just veggies, fruits, protein for breakfast and lunch). I exercise pretty much every day and I am very athletic, but I feel my weight is *way* too high for a girl of my height.

I'm 5'5" and I fluxuate between 138-144lbs. Am I overweight? And how severe is my problem? How can I make the guilt go away... diet and exercise are clearly not good enough.

I was a peanut child - small and slender in the extreme. in high school i became average and when i reached college i was terrified. average wasn't good enough. at 20 i weighed 145. now I'm 21 and weigh 120. I'm skinny again, but I'm terrified of gaining.

i restrict my eating, but sometimes when I'm not watching myself, i binge. i get home and feel so disgusted that i purge. the sad thing is that afterward, I'm glad it's not inside me anymore.

I don't like that I'm so centered around food and my weight but i don't want to stop. I'm depressed, and have anxiety and ADHD. i like that i have a secret, but i wish someone would look hard enough to see it. I'm slowly killing myself, i know, but no one seems to notice.

I'm 138 pounds, 20 years old, and my stomach hurts terribly today. I can't pinpoint when this habit started, I think I was 17. I know I have a problem, I know it's harmful, I know I should get help -- but I'm ashamed. And terrified.

I keep thinking I'm going to grow up and get rid of bulimia. But that's not going to just magically happen, and I'm getting older and damaging myself more with every passing day. I've tried to eat healthily and exercise, but my metabolism just won't work with me, or I've been impatient so I just resorted to throwing up over and over.

Today, I can't even move because my stomach hurts so badly from purging. After reading this site and being in so much physical pain I've resolved to stop. And I really want to believe myself this time. I'm a very social person but this disorder is turning me into a shut in, and I can't handle that.

I really hope every person on this site can make the same decision, because it's not worth it. It's not worth hurting yourself over. Nothing in this world is. I tend to knock contrived internet confessions but today I'm grateful for it. Thanks.

I just turned 20 and I've been bulimic for over seven years now. I don't know what to do. I can't live like this forever. I want someone to save me.

There is a solution. I am 5'5" and 140 lbs, but should be 135, the professionals say. I am 25 and have been bulimic for nine years. I only realized it three years ago, however, and started getting help two years ago. I have a nutritionist and a counselor and am in a 12-step program for recovery from (food) addiction. I eat to make myself feel better and to punish myself for being a bad person.

I have a job, a boyfriend, a house, a great dog, a nice car, plenty of money, good family, decent looks, friends, etc., but sometimes I still overeat and have to purge. This disease is cunning and baffling and the only reason for it, that I can come up with, is that my ego is so big and out of control that i just can't seem to accept myself the way I am, and maybe be average. The only thing that helps, really, is meditation and yoga and lots of humility and surrender. But I am not good at that, yet, because I still like being a perfectionist control freak, though it really does work.

I don't believe in God but my desperation led me to see that getting a bit of spirituality seems to help.

Overeaters Anonymous is a free anonymous support group for anorexic/bulimic/binge eaters --if you want help.

1) After you reach rock bottom, get honest, admit to your food/body image problems; 2) get a counselor, and 3) try OA.

I am 28 years old, 5'3 and weigh 118 pounds. I started making myself throw up two years ago. I was in a long term relationship with a guy who always told me I should work out, that I was chubby. I felt like I was never hot enough for him. He never gave me compliments and made me feel ugly.

We broke up because he cheated on me, and that's when it all started. The girl he went for was tall, skinny and looked like a model. I've never felt so low. Now I'm completely obsessed! All I think about is when can I work out, how many calories have I had so far.

I work out a least six days a week, and sometimes I workout twice in a day. When I miss a work out I feel so guilty. I throw up four or five times a week. Unless I feel like I've eaten healthy and had a maximum of 1000 calories in my day. I don't even know what to do anymore. I have problems with acid reflux and I'm afraid I'm going to really hurt my body even more.

I now have a new boyfriend, who is great to me. Always telling me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. The messed up part is that his ex was an anorexic. I used to think she was way too skinny! But now I look at her and I want to look as thin as her. No one knows, and I would die if my boyfriend found out! One of the reasons he broke up with his ex is because she was unhealthy.

I'm 23 years old. 5'3, 120lbs. It's been two years now. But I have been dieting since I was a young teen and trying to exercise also. I've always had this obsession about being thin. Seem as if when I started bulimia it was like the solution to my problems.

Now it's *the* problem. Up and down. I stopped for about five months and decided to just not think about it, eat healthy and work out. I gained 12 lbs. I used to be 108 lbs. It's happening again. Now I want to lose this weight, yet it's not fat, it's all muscle. But I have a problem in my mind when I look at that scale. I wish I could just have a stable, healthy, normal nutrition and exercise daily.

There should be more prevention about eating disorders. Yeah, we hear about it, but we don't hear how it takes over your life and before as addicting as a drug. At least I never heard about that in school, maybe I had a crappy school, I don't know. But I think there should be classes giving out in school just as important as prevention with drugs. Food is legal and easy access. bulimia can get just as bad as drugs.

I think no one else except myself can help me. It's all about stabilizing the mind to a healthy balance, thinking not only about weight but also health. Seems the evil takes over more often though.

Moral of the story: there should be more prevention! How knows maybe I'll start my own one day!

Good luck to you all. Stay strong. Stay smart.

I am 20 years old and have been bulimic since I was 16. I am 5'7 and about 130 pounds. I work out almost daily and do yoga and pilates four times a week.

I watch almost everything I eat and do have healthy physical and eating habits, but when I do have even a little too much food I makes myself vomit. I usually throw up three to four times a week, but it's not from purging...my idea of purging is having two small mini Snicker bars or having a bowl of nonfat frozen yogurt. And when I cannot throw up I take laxatives. I need help, but I cannot go to my family. I do not want this to control my life. Everyone tells me how beautiful and thin I am, but I only see ugly and fat.

I am 18. I have been making myself throw up on and off for probably five years now. I used to do it every now and then and never let it take over me.

But lately the problem has escalated to where it's completely out of my control. I didn't used to binge, but now I am eating five meals in a row and immediately throwing up as much of it as I can.

I want to stop completely, but it's not that easy anymore. I would love to go back to eating like a normal person and not thinking about it constantly. I just don't know how to get there.

I am 6'1" and 155 lbs. everyone says I am skinny, but that was after losing 15 lbs in a 1 1/2 months. My girlfriend called me fat many times and since I have wanted to lose more and more fat. I have stayed the same for a few months, however I eat a lot and then I stop eating in an never ending cycle.

I am 25 years old and have struggled with my weight all of my life. My mother and sister are both very thin now but I grew up watching my mother fluctuate between a size 20 to a size 2! I suffered from a thyroid condition that caused me to gain 80 pounds in about six months.

When I first started college I started making myself throw up to lose weight and it worked for a while and I stopped and started exercising and eating healthy. I now weigh 255 lbs and have been making myself throw up for about a month and I am scared to what will happen to me if I don't stop, but afraid no one will ever love me if I do. Help me please!

I'm 15. 5'4". About 98 pounds. I've been too scared to step on the scale lately. Why should those stupid numbers matter so much to me? Why do they have to dictate my life?

I've struggled with body image issues for a couple years now. I've starved myself countless times and cut a ton of foods out of my diet. Lately I've been throwing up once or twice a week. Pretty much whenever I get the chance, which is any time I am left home alone. When I'm doing it, I feel like a schizophrenic. Half of me is relieved. Proud even. While the other half is screaming at me to stop.

I want to tell someone but I don't know who or what to say. I know I should want to stop this but I don't. This eating disorder has become a part of me. In my heart and my head (and my stomach too I suppose), it has come to define me and I don't want other people to see it that way too. And most of all, I don't want to get fat.

I feel stupid that it matters to me so much. It's so cliche classic teenage girl. But it's my reality and I need help! --Conflicted.

@amypollick: Thank you for replying to me. Lately I've been making more of an effort. i now eat once a day, but i haven't seen an ounce of weight gain. I'm still losing weight. my hair is thin and feels like plastic (although this could be because i dye it a lot). Lately i feel dizzy a lot for at least five or six minutes after i stand up. i drink water constantly because i don't want to become dehydrated, and it fills me up. i can't sleep anymore, only about an hour a night at most.

i am 5'2" and 89 pounds.

I'm 17 and I started throwing up when I was 12. i stopped for a few years, and then when I was a freshman in high school, i became obsessed with my weight again.

i think about food constantly, exercise a lot but only for the sole purpose of losing weight. i throw up almost every day, more if I'm not around family or friends. I'm 5'4' and about 120 lbs. I've starved myself, taken diet pills and laxatives. i just wish i could stop obsessing and live normally again.

I am 17 years old and weigh 120 lbs. After reading this, i guess i am bulimic. I make myself throw up three to five times a day, almost every day. I've tried to stop in the past, but i can't. I've never tried to get help. I'm afraid.

I'm 22, and I'm bulimic. Well, I guess that's what you'd medically call it. It feels good to write this, it's the first time I've ever said that. But I can't stop, four to six times a day, for at least seven years.

I feel like I could never live another way. I think this might kill me. I've tried to stop but I hate treatment and I hate not being able to vomit. I feel like this is the way I'm going to live for the rest of my life. No idea what to do.

I'm 16, 5'3 and weigh 125 pounds. i think its disgusting. my arms are huge my face is huge. I don't think I'm bulimic. i only puke about once or twice or week even then. i want to know what's considered a problem.

I made myself throw up for the first time today and my chest is killing me. am i going to die? I am so worried. please help me. i don't know what to do. For everyone who posted something, I think you are very strong and confident for being able to talk about your disorders. you give me hope.

I am 28 and I am bulimic. When I was 26 I had gained some weight, and weighed 163 lbs.

My sister and mother were very thin compared to me and that bothered me. I was very happy for the both of them but it seems like it was put into my face all the time.

So, I started to exercise and tried to lose the weight but hardly anything came off. So I started to eat and then throw up. I had lost a huge amount of weight. I ended up going down to 128 lbs. I was very happy with myself. But with me doing this I noticed I wasn't getting my friend each month. My husband and I wanted to have a child and in order for me to get pregnant I needed to gain weight. So I stopped and gained some weight back and then got pregnant.

After my pregnancy, I exercised and started losing the weight properly. Six months after, my husband and I went on a trip with my son and when I came back I didn't feel like exercising anymore so I started throwing up again and to this day I still do it. I really want to stop and I am not sure how. I really need help but I don't know who to turn to. Can anyone help me?

i am 18 and have been bulimic for almost two years. i work at a fast food restaurant and we are allowed to eat whatever we want whenever.

In my early teens i was very obsessed with working out and barely eating. my lowest at that time was 107 and I'm 5'4.

Then i gained to 128 lbs and i couldn't stop eating. so i decided to vomit and since then it worked. now i am 95 lbs my GW is 90. i need help and want to stop but I'm afraid to gain weight. i wish i was anorexic instead. It seems easier and not as painful.

I am 21 years old. I have three food allergies (gluten, dairy and peanut) and whenever I eat wheat my stomach rejects it. the same happens when I eat dairy of peanuts.

I am beginning to get worried because sometimes I get paranoid that I throw up too much when I am trying so hard not to eat those three food groups. I am not sure what to do. My stomach is getting irritated and I was afraid for a while that I was becoming bulimic. I am skinny and a size 2, so I am not trying to lose weight. i just wish this would end.

I am not sure if I am bulimic. I am 19 and started almost a year ago throwing up just after I ate too much about only one or two times a week. I kept this up for a few months and then stopped.

These past few months I started again about once or twice a week again, but I stopped. I watch what I eat, but then starting a few weeks ago I've been throwing up around five times a week (not every day, sometimes like twice a day) only after I eat junk food.

I'm 5'4 and weigh about 114-115 so I don't think I'm like abnormal. what does anyone think?

It all started when I was about nine. I heard my sister and mother talking about how one of my mother's friend's lost a lot of weight by throwing up after her meals. Then, not too long after that, my mother lost about 60lbs due to bulimia.

Me being a fairly round child who was teased a lot by other kids and family about my weight, I decided that maybe I should try it, too.

I did it for about a year and lost quite a bit of weight and stopped vomiting. Four years later, at 13, it all started again. I gained a lot of weight and I was just beginning middle school and throwing up was all I knew. However, this only lasted a few months.

Four years later at 17, I gained a huge amount of weight. I weighed 255lbs. It all began to settle in when my doctor told me I was obese. Obese. No one wants to be defined by that word. So, I began to diet. It only lasted for so long before I went insane.

I counted calories like mad, exercised till I almost passed out, and even starved myself. Then one day, I broke down and binged. I felt so happy for that moment, but after that, I felt terrible. That's when I heard a little voice in my head telling me that purging is the only way that I'll feel better. And since then, I haven't stopped.

I'm 19 now, and I am no longer defined as obese. I'm now defined as bulimic which, in my opinion is just as unhealthy and terrible. I binge until my stomach, back and chest hurts. I purge until it feels like my head is going to explode.

I feel weak all the time, I have anemia, I can't walk through a group of people at the mall without thinking they're talking about how fat I am. I lost a lot of weight but still wear size 2XL in shirts and 18 in jeans, so no one can see my true form.

I know I need help, but honestly that's easier said than done.

I'm fourteen and I've been anorexic for the past year. I swore to myself that if I was to go to extreme measures to get skinny, anorexia was fine, but there was no way I would be bulimic!

I'm a perfectionist and I've never had a cavity so wrecking my teeth to get skinny seemed stupid. It's weird because all the horror stories I've heard about anorexia have never had an effect on me.

Anyway, for the past month I've been puking up my food in the shower. I gt up and run, and if I have ran in the morning, then I can eat as much as I want (that consists of crap like chocolate and perogies and stuff) until I'm so full that I puke it up in the shower.

Does anyone have some advice on how I can fix this situation myself? Thanks so much.

I have never made myself throw up, but I am seriously considering it right now. I'm 20 and bought a lot of Halloween candy when it went on sale. Now I feel really guilty about eating so much candy, not because I think I'm fat, but because I feel like I disappoint people who want me to eat. I don't feel good, even though it's been days since I last ate the candy.

I feel like it's constantly in my stomach and throat, and I really want to purge. I know it's bad and hard to break, and I don't want to go down that path, but I can feel it. I've been starving myself lately to make up for it (I am slightly anorexic, but I still feel this need to throw up.

I am 27 years old and have struggled with bulimia for over 12 years. The last three years have been the worst! And here within the last six months I have eaten to the point I swore I was going to die if I didn't get it up asap, by my tummy tearing.

I have really wanted to get help but within the last two months but cannot afford it. I have tried on my own, and on a good day I only vomit three to five times a day. I am waking up with really bad chest pains and even getting them when I'm awake. Please if anyone has any suggestions, tell me, because I really don't want to die and I know I'm going to soon if it does not stop.

@anon123103: I am so glad your PE teacher is concerned about you. Please talk to her. You need to talk to someone about why you don't want to eat, and want to throw up.

Be honest with her. Tell her you lied to her because you were scared, or ashamed, or both. I promise she will understand. Please do talk to her. She sounds like a wonderful person.

I am 14 and i have been starving myself for about a month now. I have a few times thrown up in the past but i want to do it more.

The other day, my pe teacher whom i respect so much because she is like my sister, asked me if i had eaten in the past two days and of course i said yes. i didn't want her to worry but now i feel so bad for lying to her and i don't know what to do. Please help me. What should i do?

i am 15 and i have just started trowing up two times a day and i feel really bad after i do it.

Please see my other message (anon 117618). I am feeling stronger today and for some reason, because I have actually put this in writing - I feel I may be able to address my problem better. It breaks my heart to read about all of you going through this awful eating disorder, you are so young and have so much to live for and enjoy in your lives.

I tried talking to my doctor, I actually wrote out what I wanted to say and let him read it as I knew I would just cry - but I was given anti-depressants which I really didn't want to start taking, so I didn't. Would they have helped? Maybe - but I felt I was more of a failure if I couldn't try and beat it myself.

As I said, I'm now 53. My life has been a roller-coaster of emotions and there is never any pattern as to what sparks a binge. I have a lovely life apart from this demon hanging over me. I had planned a lovely day off from work yesterday but instead of enjoying myself, I shopped for dreadful junk food, binged and purged and today I feel and look awful.

My head aches, my skin looks dull, my eyes are bloodshot. My throat hurts,my chest hurts, my body feels bloated and I feel shaky.

I then go to the gym and exercise, take a RPM class, swim, even though I feel so weak.

Girls,ladies, men, boys - from today, if I weaken, I will put a note on this website to admit it. But I was so shocked at reading your stories and as a 53 year old, I really should try and repair the damage I've done and am constantly doing to my body. Wish me luck and I can put this determination down to all of you.

I am 53 years old, slim, active, a successful business woman with a wonderful husband and family. I've been bulimic since i was 21 years old. My ex-husband said I should lose a few pounds, I was 5ft 3" and weighed 9st 7 pounds. That was the night it started and although I've had periods of up to 10 weeks without binging and vomiting, sadly it's always crept back into my life.

Thirty-two years and I feel such a failure when I let it happen - always when I'm on my own for long periods. I lost both parents quite close together and this made matter much worse for me. i couldn't control their illnesses but could control my body -- or not as the case may be!

Every time is the very last time. Today has been bad. "Outsiders" just don't understand.

I am 13 years old. I'm 5 feet tall & 100 lbs. I hate my body. I was born with spina bifida, so it's harder for me to produce bowel movements regularly so I started using laxatives a long time ago. Every time I use a stronger laxative for a while, it stops working.

I've used pills, chocolates, suppositories, castor oil, and milk of magnesia. It's not that I like producing bowel movements, I just like the feeling of emptiness after I binge.

I've started to binge and then puke, and then use up to three suppositories at a time. When I have no school, I'll take three or four fairly strong women's laxative pills because they make me go throughout the day. My goal weight is 90 lbs.

I want to be skinny like all the other girls my age. I know I'm "curvy," but I'm not supposed to be, at my age. Therefore, I am fat. I only eat at home. I feel I know that everyone sees me as fat or chubby, so I don't let them see me eat. Maybe this is a cry for help, or just some sort of attention. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just venting. I really don't remember the purpose of me writing this. -Jodi

@RainyRayanne: You're not insane. But you are obviously in a lot of trouble. I've posted previously on here, but I don't mind saying it again: starving yourself to death is a bad way to die. Whether you're throwing up or just not eating, it's ugly. Your periods stop, you get a fine, thin hair all over your body. It's trying to keep warm because there's not enough fat. Once the available fat stores are gone, your body starts consuming muscle mass and organs to stay alive. Your teeth start to rot. It's such an ugly, agonizing way to die.

Your body is designed to accept food and use it for fuel and maintenance. There's nothing wrong with eating a normal, healthy diet.

Your mother is right: you are dying. But if she's not concerned enough about you to get you the help you *desperately* need, then tell someone else, please. Talk to an aunt, a cousin, your grandmother, if that's possible. If not, what about a good friend who can talk to your mom for you? A clergyperson, school counselor, teacher, someone? I guarantee, if you reach out, someone will be there to take your hand.

There's even a national eating disorders hotline you can call: 800-931-2237. It's toll-free.

I said in an earlier post, but will repeat it: life is too precious to be spent with your head in a commode, or starving yourself to death. Please, please, reach out and get some help. You're desperately seeking support, or you would never have posted.

You're in my prayers.

i am sixteen years old. i have tried and tried and tried, but i can't make myself throw up unless i drink enough alcohol to put down a small horse. and alcohol makes you fatter. i limit myself to 500 calories a day, at the most. 300 is the ideal.

i am 5'3", 93 lbs. my mom thinks I'm dying. but she pretty much leaves me alone because I'm really responsible and i have straight A's. i can no longer sleep through the night because of nightmares that curl their way into my head at night. i have hollows around my eyes, but that's just from not sleeping.

i know i can't stop whenever i want, and my goal is 88. i ate today and felt so guilty that i took laxatives and exercised till i puked. this happens more regularly lately, as i keep losing hold of my control. i want to wire my mouth permanently shut. i don't need it to breathe, i have a nose, and i don't talk. someone please tell me I'm not insane.

I'm 14. I've made myself throw up every day for the past month. Last year I was anorexic and when I finally started eating again I began to feel fatter than I ever had. Now I usually eat a few grapes for breakfast and nothing for lunch. When I get home and sit down for dinner I eat a lot. Then I go upstairs and shower, where I make myself throw up. I have lost ten pounds already and I've begun to feel sick after every time I eat. I'm constantly snapping at people and am always tired. I'm afraid but I don't know how to stop.

You young girls are breaking my heart. I want to cry. Please get help now. Tell someone: a doctor or parent or teacher -- what you are doing and ask for help before it takes over your life.

I am 38. I've been purging since I was 16. Not a lot -- averaging maybe twice a month over the years. But it is enough to have ruined my teeth. My teeth weakened and my front two teeth broke off when I was 35. I have had to pay over $8000 in the past three years trying to save my teeth. Nothing is worth it, and the embarrassment, and the shame of purging when you are pregnant. Stop now. Please, please, please. Before you do any permanent damage to yourself. Stop!

I'm 12 and I throw up once a day but I don't eat breakfast and for lunch I usually have a bag of chips and throw up after lunch or I want to. Then I eat dinner and always go to take a "shower." I always get paranoid hoping they don't hear me.

I'm scared to tell anyone but I'm scared to die! I'm 5'3 and 110 and I tried being anorexic then I started blacking out. I've been puking for a month now and I'm a vegetarian.

I'm 14. I'm about 5'2-5'3 and 125. I've tried everything. i used to run four miles nonstop everyday, do exercise videos and jump rope. i did that for a good five months and i only lost three pounds. I tried being bulimic but i could never make myself throw up. now i am. I started yesterday. I don't binge. I actually don't eat very much because I'm afraid i will gain weight because of the binging.

I don't want to keep doing it; i just want to get to my goal weight of 100-110. I'm very athletic, i play volleyball, which is probably why i feel this big, considering volleyball is one of those sports that bulks you up in the arms and thighs. i just want to know if i am bulimic. i don't throw up everything i eat either. oh, and nobody knows that i throw up.

I am 230 pounds though I look smaller. I hate myself and wish I had the power to eat healthy and see the weight go away.

I know it takes time but, I feel as if it's taking forever for me to lose weight. I vomit as soon as I have eaten anything. If it is veggies and even makes me feel bloated, I have to get it out of my system.

Right now I want to eat. I am not really hungry, I just want to eat out of boredom. I am waiting for night to fall so I can go to bed and get food off my mind.

I go to an all you can eat restaurant and pig out. Two to three minutes later I go to the bathroom and throw it all up. I am afraid this may lead to something too serious. Help me please!

@Anon85274: See, that's the problem. You'll never be happy with your body. Your goal weight of 105 pounds will be 100, then 95, then 90 --and lower. The problem is not anywhere on your body. It is between your ears.

Apparently, your friends telling you that you're losing weight isn't working, so I won't even try.

What you're doing is killing yourself. Bluntly, that's it. You're throwing up blood. That's either from your constantly irritated stomach lining, or your constantly irritated esophagus lining. Either way, it's dangerous. You're also killing your teeth with the stomach acid from the vomiting. Every symptom you describe is consistent with full-blown, active, aggressive bulimia.

So you want to look in the mirror, and see protruding hipbones, knife-edged collarbones, hollow cheeks and eyes and ruined teeth. Your body is covered with a fine hair in an attempt to stay warm. Your hair is limp, thin and broken. Will you be beautiful then? Will you finally be perfect?

This is not an exaggeration. It's what happens to people in end-stage starvation and you're on that road. You're already doing extensive damage to your internal organs. Are your periods irregular yet? They will be -- until they stop altogether. That's when you know you're really on your way to starving yourself to death.

Am I trying to scare you? You bet your sweet life I am. Bulimia, anorexia--they're both hellish, agonizing ways to die. And if left unchecked, that's what they do. They kill --every time. No exceptions. It's terminal.

I know at 14 or 15, you think you're immortal. It's just "until." You can control it. You have power over it. No, you don't. It owns you. It rules you. A 14-year-old with a malignant brain tumor the size of a grapefruit has a better shot at making it to 20 than you do, unless you get help.

I'm not exaggerating. I'm not making it out to be worse than it is. Do some research and look for photos of bulimics. They are scary. And unless you get help, you'll be there.

Please, please, please, get some help. Talk to someone you trust.

No, I don't know you. No I don't know about the problems you're facing. But I do know that what seems to weigh 50 tons now will be a lighter burden in a few days, or a few months. But no problem you have is worth dying for.

Make a choice to have a beautiful life that does not include sticking your head in a commode. Make a choice to live. It's worth it. Good luck.

I know how you feel. I am in ninth grade and I throw up three times a day every day.

I am tired all the time and I can't stop. People have been telling me that I am losing weight and that I am skinny but I don't believe any of my friends. I am 5'5' and weigh 115. I will stop when I reach my goal. It is 105 but I am always worried about my body and depressed all the time. Now all I think about it is when the next time I am going to throw up. it feels so good but I have been doing it for five months and I throw up blood every time I do it now.

All I want is to be skinny. no one understands why I think I am fat, but every time I look in the mirror I hate my body even more.

I can't stop now -- not until I am happy with my body. I love being empty all the time too!

I first made my self sick when i was 14, and i probably did it about three times a month for about six months. Then i got better it would become maybe seven times a year. I am now 18 years old and i have started making myself sick again. It varies now. Sometimes it will be four times a week, sometimes once a week. But it is every week.

It's constantly on my mind, and i have become obsessed with other people having it as well. If someone has lost weight i immediately suspect they have been making themselves sick and i know this isn't normal.

After i have been sick i know i need help and i know it's not normal, but then a couple of hours later, i will dismiss the fact and the thought of getting help or telling someone seems impossible. I wouldn't classify myself as bulimic because it isn't an ongoing thing -- it's not constant -- it's just short periods of time. I just feel like my weight is something that's going to control my life forever and it's a horrible feeling.

I am 17 and my boyfriend thinks I'm bulimic but I'm not quite sure. I throw up probably four or five times a week but i wish i could more.

I'm a senior in high school and when i eat lunch at school all i can think about in my next class is going to the bathroom. Usually I'll crave sugar and try to put it off as long as possible then give in. once i have something small to eat i figure might as well eat a lot because i know i have a back-up plan so I'll eat a few pop tarts or something like that then just get rid of it.

But I'm not getting skinnier, actually I'm gaining weight. I hate my body so much. every time i look in the mirror i get so angry i don't know what to do with myself.

I wish i could just stop eating all together and be anorexic but i always fall to temptations. I have had mono twice this year and have had the flu twice, probably because of my bad eating habits. i get a stomach ache after every time i eat and i am constantly tired.

I don't know if its related to bulimia but I'm sick of it. I'm 5'5 and 130 pounds. i just wish i was built smaller or i wish i just loved myself!

My boyfriend is the only person that knows and he really wants me to get help but my parents expect too much from me and i feel like i can't tell them. Help.

wow. i could never thought I'd be bulimic. every time i eat good but then hours later i feel like I'm fat and i start to throw up. I usually put my finger down my throat. I'm 5"6 and weigh 110 pounds.

i think I'm fat all the time and I'm only 15.

I'm 19 years old and I'm 5ft4 and my weight is 11 and half stone so i am overweight and have been throwing up for about two weeks now.

I eat a meal and feel bad in myself so i drink loads of water and throw it all back up.

I'm so unhappy about my body and i think this is why i am doing it. i get so weird with my partner and i am scared i am going to lose him. When I'm sick it makes me feel better but i know it's wrong. i just want to be happy in myself.

I'm 21 years old. i eat and digest food in the day but when i get home i eat my dinner and then vomit straight after it. I'm so afraid that if i don't do this every day now i will start gaining weight again. i already need new enamel on my teeth, my face hurts, i always get headaches afterwards and my throat is sore.

i want to tell my family but they're proud of me for losing weight but i haven't told them it's because i vomit. I'm also scared that while trying to lose weight i am literally destroying myself.

i want to be happy but i don't want to die in the process.

I feel it's even worse because I'm male.

I am 38 and I have been bulimic since I was like, well, I guess the first time I tried it was maybe 16 but I didn't stay with it. But then when I was 22, I started again and did it for years, like five, then got help inside a hospital setting and stopped for maybe a year but then there was a trigger and I started again.

This time I only got outside therapy and still did it but not as much until I finally stopped and things were good again.

Now I have been depressed but before being depressed, I was on a diet and now that I am depressed the trigger is back and though I didn't do it yet, I feel it coming and each minute I am awake it's a fight.

I am thinking about getting help before I start because this is a battle I can't fight on my own. I saw that before. I can't tell my husband. He will just get mad at me and I am not healthy anymore. I have a seizure disorder now as well. Who knows if the bulimia did that to me?

I have been Bulimic off and on since I was a teen. Four years ago it came back and never left. I vomit on most days about seven times. There have been days well over 50. I don't binge. But if I ate a banana or three potato chips, I'll go vomit it up.

Since I started the cycle I've lost a massive amount of weight. I can't even say I am bulimic though. Bulimics binge and purge. I never binge. I just feel a tremendous amount of guilt after everything I eat. And what I eat is always low or non fatty foods.

I'm ashamed to admit how low I've gone with my problem. I carry plastic bags in my glove box to purge on the side of highways, roads etc.. I vomit at work, home, restaurants wherever I can. I weigh myself 10 times a day. My teeth hurt badly.

I even sometimes "Store" the vomit and dispose of it daily in a strip mall garbage dumpster in fear of clogging more pipes in my home. My menstrual cycle has taken a permanent vacation and my hands got so badly scarred, I resorted to using a toothbrush instead.

I fear being fat. I feel that being fat means nobody will love me. I tried help but it doesn't work. I'm lost without having control. Although my BMI states I'm at the low end, I tell myself I'll stop doing this when I lose just 40 more.

I think losing 40 will kick my problem into high gear. I'm always at an all time high with each pound I lose.

I need some help I know. But in all honesty, being scared made me type this note and right now I don't want to send it because the fear has lifted.

I've been making my self sick now for eight months now and I'm sick of it. i just want to love myself.

When i was about 14 i used to binge eat every day, but not always purge after (only if no one was around). I had stopped for a couple of years and since then have also suffered with depression, self harm and bi-polar disorder.

I am now 17 and have become quite obsessed with my weight and body image. Now i have stopped eating that much and do not eat much at all, but when i do i throw it up whenever i can (when no one is around).

I still sometimes cannot help but eat and when i eat one thing i eat more so there is enough to throw up. It makes me feel better because i feel i am not putting on the weight i think i am going to gain from eating.

It has had it's consequences as my throat has become really sore and i have burst 2 capillaries in my eyes due to the extreme strain of throwing up as much as i could.

Am i bulimic because even though i throw my food up i do not binge first and only do it a couple of times a week?

I'm 15 years old and i have been throwing up the food i eat for the past three years. I don't know who i can go to so I can talk about my "problem" and i don't want to go to any sort of therapy or anything.

It's not that i want to be stick skinny, I guess I kind of just take out my anger and sadness on myself. It's not that i don't eat healthy, i do, and i play three sports for my high school so I'm in shape.

I'm 5'4 and i weighed 120 the last time i checked. I need support or help but I'm too afraid to ask for it because i don't want to disappoint my family and friends.

I'm 15 and I don't know if i am bulimic. When i was 13 i lost over a stone, and now i have put on over two stone. I usually eat loads on a daily basis, but some days, sometimes every couple of weeks, i will not eat for about 20 hours.

I feel really fat. My bmi is about 24 now.

On Saturday I am going to buy two tubs of diet pills, in hope that they will help me. Am i bulimic?

I am 24 and think I have been bulimic since I was 12 years old. My friend originally got me into it, and as soon as I started losing weight I became more confident and got a boyfriend.

I was still bulimic until 10 months ago when I found out I was pregnant with my now daughter. My partner of four years has only just discovered my past habit, as it seems to have come back, as well as me suffering with post natal depression.

Finally I have spoken out to my gp and I start counseling soon. I don't want to stop but when it involves my daughter's care I need to. Good luck to everyone.

I'm 13 years old and have been compulsively throwing up for around a month now. It's not because I want to lose weight: I don't know why it is. It could be just because I like the feeling of being in control of it. I eat my meals and have maybe another couple of meals worth of snacks in between. I haven't told anyone; not even my friends. I don't feel like it's a problem, I don't feel like I can't stop, but I don't want to. Sometimes when I sit in class, all I want to do is go to the bathroom and throw up.

Sometimes I try when my stomach's empty, but I can't, so I tell myself "Just wait, wait until you eat something." And then I do.

I don't feel like I can tell my mum, because I anticipate what she'll say. She'll get angry and tell me to stop being so stupid. She'll look at me and say "If you're bulimic, you'd be thin," and she'd refer in her head to the times when I've been cheery and random and confident. I've been careful that no-one knows about me throwing up, so she won't have anything to back up my statement. I know it's an eating disorder, but I feel like it's just something I do.

Is it a problem? Because it doesn't feel like one.

I'm 25 and I'm so sick of being fat. I've recently started making myself sick after eating various foods.

I used to be a size 12 now I'm a size 18. I don't know anyone who's had an eating disorder. But i decided to do this because it's the only way i can lose weight (as i found out when i had morning sickness two years ago) no one knows about it. I've not lost much weight yet. But I'm hoping it'll start to drop off as I'm now doing about two to three hours of exercise a day. I don't see anything wrong with it. As soon as I'm thin again I'll feel better about myself and stop.

i have had bulimia for about two years now, i recently moved to tenerife four months ago. since being here i have started eating again. i still make myself sick sometimes but not to the excess i used to. i am eating usually one meal a day now, but i still feel guilty and still plan on starving myself but i can't seem to do it anymore.

i am still using laxatives usually every night and i am more self-conscious than ever about my weight. i just wanted to know if i still have bulimia or if I'm on the way to recovery?

I am 32 and have been bulimic since around the age of 11. I am disturbed because I have realized that the cleanses and healthy eating I obsess over when I am not binging and purging are actually just other manifestations of my ocd around eating. Will I ever be free?

I do not feel bad when i read these. In fact it pushes me to throw up. I am starving myself but i don't know if the mirror is lying to me. It is scary because i listen to my favorite bands song called skin and bones. Marianas Trench does that song. It is about josh ramsay's bulimic self when he was younger.

At the moment my stomach hurts because today i have only eating a muffin and a cup of yogurt. I am also only 11 years of age. I am five foot tall and weigh 102 pounds. It hurts to look in the mirror. The kids at school don't get it but when they call me skinny it just pushes me to grow into an eating disorder. What should i do? Help. nobody knows this.

I am 20 years old. Have been eating an purging for about six months now. I can't explain it. My sister's bulimic and so was my mother when she was young. I weigh 280. I recently lost 80 pounds a year ago. I feel lonely and the only thing that makes me happy again is purging.

I never feel good enough and can't accept how far i've come. I know i still have a journey ahead of me but I don't want to make it worse by gaining it back.

I know i have a problem, and everyone assumes i don't because i don't look like someone with an eating disorder. Why can't i feel normal? All motivation is lost.

I usually eat really healthy, and I think it is super important that my body is healthy and I know that throwing up is really bad for me, but for some reason I think that a chocolate bar does more damage to my body than throwing it up does so whenever i eat junk food I throw it up afterward.

However, since I've started this little cycle I've started eating more junk food because now I know I can just get rid of it after I eat it, and so I make myself throw up once or twice a day. I think my problem is more not being able to control what I eat, than it is being bulimic.

I have been bulimic since I was about 13 years old, and I'm about to turn 20. I did not learn from anyone. I didn't learn from media.

I don't know what made me start the day i did or how it got in my mind. I was triggered by growing up in an obese family. Is it pathetic that I'm proud to now be 5'11.5 and 140 pounds.

I am sad that I am not in control of one of the most basic aspects but still, my emotions are all mixed up on this issue. Where do I start to put my life back together?

I am always freaking out about my weight and when I think I eat too much, which is all the time, I make myself throw up. It's getting really bad. I'm never happy; I'm always distracted about my weight.

I am a recovering bulimic, I have not thrown up in seven months. I hope I can share some wisdom to help you all out.

For me, I realized that I was bulimic when I started thinking "It's okay, I can eat whatever I want, because I'll just throw it up later." Of course, I imagine that it is different for everyone, but for me that was the turning point. If you find yourself rationalizing in this manner, you have already accepted that throwing up regularly is ordinary.

I would also like to impart some hard-learned wisdom that will hopefully help you break the binge and purge cycle.

1) Don't eat alone, and spend as little time alone as possible. If you are eating with friends or family, it is harder to slip away and throw up after a meal, especially if it is in a public place. Furthermore, the danger of detection will allow you to talk yourself into not throwing up: rationalization can be your friend here.

2) Tell your parents and/or friends. I know, it's the hardest part but trust me on this one: no matter how they react, the mere fact that someone else knows is a huge relief, and one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself.

I am 17 years old and i don't know if i am really sick. I have been doing this for quite a while that it has become normal to me. I've been doing this since i was about 11.

Whenever i felt lonely i would throw up or sometimes i would just not eat and i would become obsessed with calories and if i passed my limits i would throw up.

I don't know if to tell someone because i have come to the conclusion that i am just completely weird. What if i am not really sick? Then it wasn't only when i felt sad it was because i was afraid to gain weight. The only person who knows is my best friend and she has the same problem. Since i was a baby i would eat too little and my family knows it. What they don't know is that it got out of control years ago.

I am trying to quit for my best friend so i could help her but it is really difficult, so difficult i just sometimes stop trying.

Last time i checked i weighed bout 95 pounds. Now i just don't know but i am getting kind of tired of living like this.

i have in the past wished to die. The whole low self-esteem adds to a whole other story. What do you guys think i should do? Do i have hope?

Would it be stupid to all of a sudden after about four or five years to tell about my "problem" or should i continue by myself?

I'm 22 years old and I've been obsessed with my weight for around five years. Dieting is what i think about all the time. I started eating without control for a few days then diet afterward. i usually eat at night when everyone's asleep, but i rarely make myself throw up. Am i bulimic?

i am 15 years old, and i weigh 110 and am 5'4ish. i always have eaten what i wanted because i was an athlete in middle school, and i never really considered myself fat.

Once i got into high school i began to party and i quit volleyball and basketball and took up tennis. during the tennis season i got caught with the police being intoxicated and got an MIP. i was always a pretty good girl and disappointing my parents made me depressed.

i hated eating away my feelings so i began puking excessively after everything i ate. i also compare myself to a lot of girls which makes it worse. i only have got to 105 but my dad heard me in the bathroom and started buying healthy food, yet my mom is a total junkie so there's still a lot of junk food.

My parents said they would help me but every time she gets home from the store there is more candy and stuff to make me binge even more, and it's like they completely forgot the whole thing. so i continue to do this, and my friends have been noticing my legs getting thinner etc. and i don't know how to stop because i come out for help, but there is absolutely none anywhere.

I'm 33 years old and have been making myself sick since I was nine years old, three or four times a day sometimes. My weight is normal for my height and I don't have body issues. Does that mean I'm not bulimic?

I am going through this, but i want to know what is considered being bulimic. how often do you have to binge/purge to be considered bulimic? if its once a day, every day, is that bulimic?

i do it probably twice a day every single day. is that bulimic? i feel like that's not enough to be called that. please answer?

Im 11 years old and i have been on a water diet for one month. I felt guilty when i eat anything and i thought i was too fat. Im 4 stone at the moment and i want to know if I am bulmic.

I am 20 years old. I have been binging and purging for more than six months. While reading this i have happily binged away and know that i am about to purge, and even after reading all these comments, i am not fazed by it all. I wouldn't call myself bulimic, even though medically i suppose i am. But that's not how i feel. I have a habit of self destructive behavior such as self harming and suicide attempts, and although i have recovered from this in the past few years, i feel as though i am in another cycle of self harm. I spent most of my teenage years being over weight and then exercised and ate sensibly and got down to 11 stone, which for me was good. But then i put it all back on and then some and was 14.7 stone. Since becoming bulimic i have lost more than 5 stone and now weigh 9.4 and everyone's telling me how well i'm doing. Though some people have started to ask questions and say i don't look well. I still want to lose weight and get down to around 8 stone (I'm 5ft5). But am i going to be able to stop when i get to that weight? That's what worries me. I don't know what i think i am going to gain from this post, because i can't see things changing. But this is the closest i have ever come to telling anyone. Even if no one ever reads this, it helped.

I am currently in second year university. 19 years old. I've had bulimic tendencies since grade 8, but it's spiralled out of control since grade 10. This past summer was the worst. i would binge and purge six times in a day some days. I know that I should get help, but I feel like if I don't look like I need help, like an anorexic person does, then I am not worthy of it. I weigh 145 pounds at 5'8. This weight disgusts me, and I am afraid that getting help will make me even bigger. Bulimia has gotten me nowhere. I hate myself, my body, I have mood swings and feel guilty whenever I eat anything, and uncomfortable when I eat around people. Throwing up is a high, I'm addicted, and I'm afraid of the person I am without it.

I am sixteen years old and have had eating issues since i can remember.

I remember throwing my drawers around the room and crying all day because i thought i was too fat.

I've been on and off dieting forever.

I have started to purge, a lot.

It started just because i was fasting, and overate, but it's sort of becoming an obsession.

If I'm eating something bad, i won't be ashamed to overeat anymore (even if I'm full) because i know i can get rid of most of it. Then i feel repulsive and it usually leads to self harm.

I've been doing this constantly for the last three months.

I'm promising myself it will stop, but i don't want to.

I don't think I'm bulimic. i don't feel like i deserve to call myself that.

i just feel pathetic.

i am 17,almost 18. i have been bulimic for the last four years at least. i am trying to push the problem away. it was in remission for a short short while. i have gained some weight recently after a near fatal car accident i went through not too long ago. i feel so lost and i feel as though this disease has spiraled out of control. i thought always that it was no big deal but now i am finding myself struggling and not being able to put the obsessive thoughts to rest that i have. no one knows about this except for my ex. that was long ago and he believes that i don't do this anymore. we don't have anything to do with each other now but that's beside the point. i have found myself in love with my current boyfriend and i feel as though i can't give him the unconditional love he gives me unless i bury skeletons that i have been keeping in the closet. i found this web site and i feel so much better by saying it but not saying it.

I am 13 years old, and i'm 5'2'' and i weigh about 120 pounds. I have been making myself throw up for a little over three months now. I feel better when I purge and i feel lighter too. But i also have become more tired, lazy, and dizzy. I have found that my weight won't stay at one place, it goes anywhere from 110-120 pounds. I have tried to exercise and eat less but it is harder than just puking and it gives me the same results. Am i bulimic? Should i stop this method and try something else? Any ideas? Please help. P.S. I was thinking of trying an all-water diet for a while. Do you think this would work better?

i am 17 years old, and often feel upset and ashamed after eating. i also have been having extreme pain in my stomach all the time and it is worse after eating. so last night i made myself throw up, and i liked it. i don't know if that means i am bulimic or on the way to becoming one? i can't tell anyone about this, i'm supposed to have it all together when in reality, i don't. i don't come close. i'm a first year college student and i have lost 10 pounds in the first month.

Hi im a male and i am 22 years of age. Now i think i might be bulimic. I never eat but that's because i never think i feel hungry but when i do eat i eat heaps. However when my stomach rumbles, is it that it just rumbles because it rumbles or because i'm hungry? When i'm not eating i indulge in a hell of a lot of coffee and i weigh at this moment a whole 61.25 kgs. So am i bulimic?

i'm using the atkins diet, and normally when i cheated on my diet, i'd gain 5-8 pounds, if i cheated for two days straight. So now i've been purging my cheats and found that i'm not gaining and if i do it's only a pound. Definitely a relief but I don't want to end up bulimic. That force people talk about that makes you want to throw up is definitely a force i don't want to face.

i.m 16 and i play softball and bball and i am very active. I've been bulimic since last summer in june. i eat normal-sized meals and throw them up. i throw up four or five times a day, depending on my mood. im 5'3 and 133 pounds. i've been gradually losing weight since bball season. i was at 155 in the winter and in the spring 145 and i weighed myself today at 133. am i going to gain weight? that's what i hear but my weight never fluctuates or levels.

I have been bulimic since I was about 12 years old and I am 17 going on 18 now. It has turned into a habit with me. I purge almost every time I eat and if I don't I get this feeling of insecurity and sadness. I also have bad mood swings. I would like to get help for it but it is so embarrassing and something that I have also kept a secret for a long time. I am 5'4 and 200 pounds. My weight goes up and down. I just want it to stop.

I'm 17 years old, and I've been a bulimic for about 5 months. i really want to stop right now. i hate binging to throw up after i eat every meal. every time i eat i lose control and then overeat. i am extremely afraid of gaining weight, but i am also afraid that if i continue to throw up it can kill me. Even though I'm 5'0 and weigh 96 pounds, which is considered normal weight, but i just want to lose 10 pounds. i think i am too fat for an Asian girl. My weight has been going up and down. if i don't throw up for a day i would gain at least 1 pound even though i eat very little. I really need help, but it's too embarrassing to tell anyone.

I have never been a very thin person but I had never been so big. I went from 120 lbs to 170lbs. I've been taking dieting pills for 3 weeks now and lost about 12 lbs, but it didn't seem like it was enough, therefore I started to vomit about 2 times daily every time I ate. now I have daily headaches and dizzines. What can I do to make this impulsive feeling of vomiting so often go away? Is there any consequences to what I have been doing this three weeks? Help me please....

If you are asking the question "am I bulimic", you probably are.

I'm 19 and I have been struggling with my eating since I was 14. When it started I starved myself for nearly a month and I lost over 50 pounds and to maintain that weight of fear I'd gain it back I started throwing up. I consumed on average 20,000 calories a day and threw up about 6 times to assess it. Now my body feels so weak and tired I only can allow myself to throw up 2 a day and I'm an average weight.

I can honestly say I want help because I am unsure how much more my body can handle. It is comforting to know every time you eat you won't gain a pound though.

What do you think the best treatment for someone like me is, outpatient or in- patient?

I only purge sometimes when I over eat. So a few times a month. Is that considered bulimic?

I'm 22 years old and have been binging and purging for nearly four years. For a long time I didn't think there was anything wrong with me and that I could stop. I'd lost a lot of weight the year after high school and was happy, but I soon realized throwing up brought me down to a much lower and more 'respectable' weight. I didn't want to lose the attention I'd gained. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I know this is so wrong but I get some sort of twisted pleasure out of doing it too. I can eat whatever I want and it doesn't have any affect on me anymore. I'm too terrified of what will happen to my body if I stop.

hey i only purge if i eat too much and that doesn't happen so often. am i bulimic or not?

I am 27 and I have been binging and purging 4-5 times a week *minimum* for 10 years. I am 5'10'' and weigh 280. You don't have to be thin to be bulimic. I *do* get a high when I purge, and if I eat, sometimes it is just like some unknown force is pushing me to go throw up. I have also used laxatives and diuretics, and every type of diet pill imaginable. I can stop, but only for a week or two at a time.

I've been bulimic since I was 13, I'm now 19. I played soccer, basketball and ran track and I also abused adderall. It (purging) doesn't help you lose weight at all. When you quit, believe me, you gain everything back.

Just try to find a healthy filling food you like and exercise..

Not all Bulimics are thin Some do not even have the luck of ever being thin. Like me. I am 5'6 and weigh 225lbs. I am bulimic. Don't use bulimia as weight loss! It does not always work and then you just find yourself addicted to the highs of vomiting. I now binge...just to purge.

It is the only pleasure in my Fat, grossly obese...empty life.

I'm 26 years old my worst fear in life is to gain to my weight today i feel really depressed because i've been trying so hard to lose weight and i haven't lose a pound yet my boyfriend said to me today that i look like i'm pregnant in one of my pictures oh my god why would he say that now i feel like i need to go hard i don't want a thing to eat i don't care if it's a grape i'm not eating until i lose a least 10 pounds and the sad thing is i love food so much when i 'm eating i'm happy and nothing else matters but as soon as i'm dome i feel so guilty i don't know what to so

My psychologist says that throwing up food messes with the electrolytes in your body. I have to have my blood tested in one week. Who could resist being able to eat what you want and not having any of the weight. I look at myself and see someone who is disgusting. I am 10lbs overweight. Even when I was at a size 7, 3yrs ago, I was considered Obese on this chart in the Army. Its because I have a lot of muscle but just to see that....

I am 27 years old and have dieted and not dieted for many years, in fact for as long as I can remember. I am not underweight, in fact I'm at the higher end of the ideal weight for my height. I find myself going through extreme periods of guilt and depression and therefore eat for comfort and then vomit out of guilt. I have done this for years and can't seem to kick this habit for more than a couple of weeks. I try and eat healthily, but then I lose control and end up binging and vomiting again. I just feel so weak all the time. I wonder if being a normal weight doesn't make me bulimic but something else, can you help me?