I am devastated. I have been seeing a woman for 4 1/2 years. We met before she could obtain her divorce papers and force her husband out of the apartment who was abusive and a liar. So she was lying to him every night for months about her whereabouts to not inflame the situation. I thought I was the exception and that this was temporary. It turns out that she began lying to me as well: for example about the divorce really happening as fast. Now, years later she is actually divorced finally. But along the way she lied.
For example, right before she served him, but after she had broken the news that she was leaving, they were supposedly living in 2 apartments joined together. She said she slept in a separate room etc. One day, she took her kids to Mexico. She promised for months that this trip was without him saying "Are you kidding? I would never go with him" At the gate, she called me and sounded strained. I asked if he was there as my heart raced. She said "Are you crazy? I would never do that to you. Of course he's not here. Oh, I have to go." I asked "Call me from your seat on the plane as you always do." She said "It's going to be hard..." She texted me. I felt sick to my stomach. I tracked things down and proved her husband was with her. I pulled over on the road and got sick from shock. When I called her in Mexico, even though he picked up the hotel room phone (which she never gave me) she STILL denied he was there. It was sick.
This is a very intelligent woman, with 2 kids, who can fool anyone that she's normal. At least for a while. My family was fooled. Yet in retrospect, she seems to lose friends somehow. I was devastated about the lie, and also that they went together. She said they slept in 2 different rooms and that she went because she didn't want him with her kids alone without her and the legal issues had not been resolved yet.
Then she blamed me for being untrusting and said "I don't want to be with a man who checks up on me. I deserve better. I'm glad I found out who you are..." This is what is so infuriating. She flips everything around to make me feel like I have the problem. It mind-screws a person. She confused me about me! Then she later gave a reason for the lying, saying, "I was afraid of your temper". This woman is really good at this. Well, I don't have a temper any more than the average person. I only expressed my anger she deserved when she lied a few dozen times. She finally called and admitted the Mexico lie. She never really apologized though. So I left her - disgusted and hurt.
Three months later, she called and begged me to take her back. She sounded sorry and normal and very humble. Dating was rough for me and I missed her and having security. Our intimacy was strong and in retrospect, she used it a lot. She knew how to make a man weak with sex, without him knowing he was becoming weak. I resent her for abusing sex this way now. But I was desperate for love after a divorce, in retrospect. If I had been in a position of strength and choice, I would have dumped her. Well, this was 3 years ago. Regrettably, out of forgiveness and hope she would change, and my loving big heart they say I have... I took her back.
Months later, she disappeared for four hours. I got that sick feeling again. I stood outside her apartment building. She got out of a cab all decked out. When I called her a minute later, when she reached her apartment. she actually depicted a groggy, hoarse voice, and went on to elaborately tell me how she's been sleeping for the entire 4 hours, and that she thought we spoke just minutes earlier, and that she "must have been exhausted. The lie became so elaborate that it began to sicken me for her sake. The voice and fake stretching in the bed too. I couldn't believe this was my "love" doing this to me. Then she went on and listed all the names of the people who woke her up, causing her to put the phone on "vibrate" thereby missing my 20 calls worried about her. So - I said "Stop it!" I told her I was outside, and to never call me ever again. She was stunned and quiet.
Like a fool, after a long and compelling text message, I took her back again when she begged months later but warned her. She became better at lying and more careful. She hid me from her family for 4 years and claimed it was because "they were mad at me for leaving her a few times." Only God knows what they know and don't know. She has inappropriate contact with an ex-boyfriend from previous to her ended marriage at midnight, and knowing that seeing him so much and calling hurts me and is disrespectful. She lied about him too saying my temper scared her. Again, my temper was a little raising of the voice and a curse here or there from feeling I was manipulated and used for years. That's not abuse.
I lost my trust in her, and yet she blames me. And strange things constantly occurred, like not calling from a trip to the Caribbean with her kids during the day for a week until a call finally at midnight, claiming she can only talk for a minute and she's exhausted, and hanging up.
She also had the ability to be suddenly ruthless, like a disconnect. It reminds me of her ability to lie. Our biggest issue was this "stranger" thing she would do by pulling her love from me after a few good days, acting like we've been dating a few weeks, saying "Oh, thank you so much..." and formalities like that. She would act cold and say "We'll talk about it tomorrow. Good night..." It always left me feeling powerless. She controlled me for four years. And I was compassionate to her through her whole divorce. It would make a person want to scream from frustration, because you can't force someone to be warm. It was like her memory was gone - OR - I was being manipulated brilliantly. I believe the latter. Why? Because when she needed to be sharp - boy she was sharp. Hence, my deep resentment toward her. I feel used.
Sexually, she also engaged in over-the-top crude speaking during sex, and what should have been "love making" not a scene from a porno movie. This always brought to mind a fear of her fooling around, because it wasn't just dirty talk. It was too "in control" and even cold. One day, in the middle of intimacy, when I left the bed remembering I left the door unlocked, I said, "Sorry baby, I'll be right back." Her answer was disturbing: "You better hurry back or someone else might take your place..." Her mind was in the wrong place in such an intimate, what should be loving place. This is one of many abuses that is somehow connected to the lying, the disconnect and being in control.
Now I wonder who she was sending text messages to as she would be returning from the lades room in restaurants, not expecting me to be at the door. Her computer had a memory in the cache of a user name and password to Match.com. She claimed it was her nanny's log on.
Finally, after more smaller lies, meanness, selfishness, flakiness with plans, and more emotional abuse, it has all has led me to leave her for good this time. It has been hard to do, and to leave the strong physical attraction and seeming security and love (supposedly love -- on her part). Nothing could ever make me accept her again. Was this a pathological liar? Who was this?
Thank God I didn't marry this person. My family and friends are elated that I saved my life from someone who evidently has NO conscience. She played the poor little girl victim, who needed her hero; that is until she was secure with me again and treated me like poorly. Family and friends always felt her lying was twisted. She never really showed interest in my family too and complained about the 3 hours she spent with them in 4 years that 'The day was shot..." This reminds me of the behavior listed above in other testimonies.
I am so devastated about the four years of my life, and deeply resent her. The thought of her deception, known and even unknown, has left me truly damaged, untrusting of people, and frankly still in shock that people can actually do this/ I feel now like I was loving a mirage. After all, if there's nobody's home so to speak - what are you loving? It's like your life becomes vapor.
This is haunting me day and night. It's a nightmare. I wish someone could comment here. I suppose we all need to share, help one another, and eventually heal. I welcome and thank you for any support... New York, NY.
