I've had this article saved in my phone for a while, but I’ve been letting doctors keep playing with different bipolar manic and mood disorder diagnoses, and because I’m sick a lot my family calls me a hypochondriac for reading things like this.
This is the third time this week that, though I’ve been out of any school for months, I’ve typed out something of an essay for mainly myself. I've worked immensely on myself in the past few years, trying to figure out how to fix myself to be more like the rest, and am finally at a stage where I can call myself "normal," although I am still very unusual and that’s what makes me a person.
I was a hyper kid but not ADHD, and got straight A's all through school whenever I wasn't fooling around. I never did well with people, but there were always a few nice kids around who helped me through though and I've realized that, more often than not, they were using me. I was a very quiet kid after elementary school, and because there were others it was okay. I don’t purposely remember school much anymore now that I've finally graduated; the social aspect was always incredibly painful for me, especially when people called me smart.
Before I started high school, I had some kind of revelation that I could easily get on the right track and be committed to making straight A's, which I did until senior year when I was accepted into Honors College where I applied, in my home state where no one else in my school was going. My brother committed suicide when I was 16, and I made it through because my own suicidal thoughts, though present since 10, had been forced into dormancy, and I made myself grieve for a time, and remember.
I always knew I was closer mentally to my brother, also into engineering, and had a lot of respect for all of his choices. I had what I thought was a wonderful relationship with him, and was convinced that if I messed it up, because it was my responsibility to make it work, I would never have another and would have no chance at happiness.
I understand now I'm a pretty young blonde girl with many options and only my mind and mouth had hindered me, but until about senior year I was the ugliest, most untalented waste of life there was. At some point, I became aware of all the lies I had told myself through my life. In my senior year, while wondering if there was a point to my lies and working hard to gain self esteem, I got into pot and finally got away from the boyfriend, who had taken advantage of me physically since the day my brother died. I spent most of my senior year s a secret pothead, because I was perceived as innocent, and still managed to do fine in school.
My suicidal side came back some time in the summer and the boyfriend told me it was something to just get over. I held on because I was going to college in my absolute favorite city where my brother had lived, to go study – a new engineering major that no one understood -- until I had explained it five times. I graduated advanced, high, and went to Honors College sober, getting fine grades except for in a class I had not learned enough to be in. Halfway through the first semester of the happiest time in my life, after making more good friends than I had in my entire life, I took all the medicines they had prescribed me at once because, after starting Prozac and Klonopin for panic attacks, I felt like it was something I wanted to do. I knew they wouldn't kill me without alcohol, and I still can't honestly call it a suicide attempt. I told everyone I had only overdosed on Klonopin I had because I couldn’t stop a panic attack, which was actually true.
Two weeks later, trying to overdose on over-the-counter medicine proved I was lost, especially since I called 911 halfway through. My mom told me the dorm kicked me out. Even though they hadn't, I've been reaccepted and will be back soon. In the past year and a half I have learned most of the habits of my mind, and been on more pills than I ever want to get near again. I don’t know where my life is going because it is still unstable, but I help people wherever I can and don’t usually care when people take advantage of it.
I know at this point, that I'm off everything but anxiety medication, I am not depressed anymore, and being on different antidepressants has done very bad things to me. There’s not a thing in this article that doesn’t describe some aspect of me, and if I’m diagnosed autistic tomorrow I don’t see it being any different from being diagnosed bipolar tomorrow, other than a course of more of the same drugs that are not working on me. But I am ecstatic that I have this article saved away, and that I may have some defense from diagnoses where the only treatment is more pills.