I have always been told that this was just something weird I did, but after seeing the term dermatillomania in an article and looking it up, I realized here that I've been right all along when I told people that it had to be some kind of condition.
It started when I was 10 or 11. I used to have a habit of being unable to stand still. I would constantly rock back and forth on my heels, and for some reason, it made my mom absolutely crazy and she had uncharacteristically angry outbursts at me in public all the time telling me to stop. In response, I guess I got started as a way to stop rocking. I started scratching my head and picking at my scalp all the time, to the point my shoulders were always covered in what looked like awful dandruff flakes. My mom thought I must have lice or something and went through the whole treatment but I couldn't seem to quit digging at my head, which to her, looked like scratching.
I became convinced for a few years that I must still have lice, and it affected my self esteem very much to go from 11 to 13/14 constantly being self conscious about anyone seeing me with my hand digging at my scalp, because I was worried they would "find out" about my self imagined lice, but the more I stressed about it, the more uncontrollable my picking became, to the point that almost every waking moment of the day in my early teens, no matter what I was doing, one hand was always picking.
I always was aware I was doing it and that I shouldn't, but I had to basically stop anything else I was doing and completely focus to stop doing it, which only lasted seconds until my full attention was no longer centered on not picking. Then, bam! Right back to it. I did it all through high school and up to about age 19, and everyone I knew assumed I had horrible dandruff or must not shower and wash my hair, which was completely the opposite.
As an adult, my friend and roommates when I was 19 started trying to come up with ways to get me to stop once they realized I really couldn't help it. These ideas ranged from my best friend punching me in the arm to my girlfriend stopping whatever we were talking about to tell me to stop picking. After about six months, though, everyone gave up because nothing worked. I tried to keep my fingernails cut as short as I could to help cut down on it, but I would still pick, and once I cut my nails so short my fingers were cut or bleeding, which followed me taking a sewing needle to my scalp out of frustration of not being able to pick.
Like many of the other posts I read here, I also zone out when scratching my scalp. I can sit in a room with no tv on or anything in dead silence and do it for hours while thinking, without even realizing it.
About a year and a half ago, the constant flakes and dandruff look started getting me so much unwanted attention, I decided that if I couldn't stop picking, I had to find a way to change what I picked at. After some careful thought and consideration, I decided that the least noticeable (due to the fact I have shaggy hair that covered most of the top area of my ears, would be along the edge and curves of my ears. I deliberately would scratch or rub at the skin of my ears to make the skin become dried, rough and cracked, until I could finally start picking away little pieces, since scabs would develop on the edge of the top areas of my ear. I would pick at them until they bled and then switch ears long enough to let new scabs form. This did achieve what I had hoped: I stopped picking at my head completely, but it did not help the fact that my picking could cause me to zone out to the point that I might, for example, get up from a movie to go into the kitchen and get something to drink, and on the way feel a new scab or piece of skin hanging on my ear, and find myself thirty minutes later still standing in front of the fridge staring blankly, picking at my ear.
Finally, I decided that preventative measures were needed. I started wearing gloves almost all the time, like work gloves or whatever. I had gloves for everything: driving, working, knitted ones for any time it was chilly, and gloves for a time when I could get away with wearing them without it seeming too abnormal.
My problem was I could never find any gloves that fit my hands well enough to be able to still do small, dexterous things like pick something tiny up or respond to a text message or whatever, and I'd get frustrated and pull them off repeatedly until I'd get mad enough to stop wearing them which was immediately followed by, you guessed it, back to the ear.
Finally, a good friend of mine gave me some old bmx gloves of hers one day when I was helping her clean out her garage. They fit my fingers so perfect it was like not having gloves on at all, and for a couple of months, everything was great, with no picking, and when I did, I'd get my gloves if they weren't on already.
Then, one particularly stressful night, I got a bad ingrown hair on my neck that hurt too much to leave alone, so I used some tweezers to get at it, and in the process the tweezers brushed against a small scab from a recent scratch in my sleep incident. It was just brushing the point and by accident, I pulled the scab off. Minutes later, without thinking about it, I went to pick at my ear but couldn't because my gloves were on, so I picked up the tweezers thinking "it's quicker than nails and I'm just getting a real, actual normal scab the rest of the way off." Three hours later, my ear was picked so bad with tweezers it had bled in several small spots, had almost none of the fine little hairs it should have and was almost completely missing a layer of skin. I felt my ear with my bare fingers and it felt like the skin surface was like pulp. I'd started a whole new, and much worse habit of picking my ear skin with tweezers, to the point that I sought out different kinds of tweezers with sharper, more accurate points and edges.
Even worse, I noticed that with my fingers, I could never really manage to pick all of both ears to the point they were too damaged to touch before at least part of one had healed enough to start on again. So I at least always had somewhere to keep my hand occupied. But with tweezers, I could tear up both ears much faster, and then would go right back to scratching my head.
I now not only scratch my head and pick my ear, but I have probably eight kinds of tweezers in my nightstand drawer for getting at every angle of my ear. It's become an obsession. I can't leave the house without a pair of tweezers in my pocket so I can do it while driving.
I don't know if anyone else does anything like this, but I'm sure we all know how people look at you kind of weird for picking your scalp, ear, arms, whatever, too much sometimes. Well, imagine that way, way worse when people who pull up to a traffic light beside you look over and notice you are picking at your ear with tweezers while driving, or your friends see you do it while having a conversation. It's a much, much more severe reaction.
People are starting to really think I'm crazy, or severely addicted to drugs or something. Some friends avoid me now, and even when friends of mine try to joke about it and make light of it, I'm so self-conscious, all it does is set me off into a rage. The reason I started looking for information on this finally after 13 years ( I'm now 24), is due to the severe level my picking has reached, and I am happy to find that it is indeed a condition. What I don't really know what to do is how to handle the situation now, since most of what I've looked up hasn't really been helpful on ways to fix or treat it. I have no money for therapy or anything like that, but it is coming to the point where my picking that used to just happen when I was stressed, is now the main cause of my stress, and therefore making itself worse and more stressful.
It's an endless loop and I've tried so many ways to fix it over the years that I'm out of ideas, and I haven't seen anything in these earlier posts that I haven't already tried. Someone please, if you have any ideas post them. I'd really like to have my at least somewhat normal life back.